Last week, I was up on top of a roof. A good twenty feet from the ground.

I neglected to tie my ladder to the gutter (as is our usual protocol).

Five minutes later, I was on the phone with a coworker, the snowflakes hitting my face: “Can you come get my ladder out of the bush beneath me?”

My boss said: “Be glad you have a cell phone!”

The next day, I was removing ashes from a stove when I noticed they were still emitting a faint heat. No matter, I thought, and doused them with some of my water after taking them outside in a five-gallon plastic bucket. I then returned to finish the cleaning the stove.

Coming back outside some time later, I smelled burning plastic. O shitteee.

I ran. There were small flames licking out the top of the bucket–and through the molten side. I bent hurriedly down to extinguish them–and somehow banged my nose on the bucket in the process. I then got my water from the van and extinguished the fire once and for all.

I then returned calmly inside to write up the bill. A mere hour later, my nose was black and blue.

The next day, I was mowing the boss’ lawn when I realized the leaves were piling up and jamming in front of the deck. I unhurriedly stopped and got off to begin pulling them out. Suddenly, I began to sniff the air. O @#$@#$.

Just then the other boss drove up. He jumped out. “Flames! You’re on fire!”

I hurried up and got the garden hose.

Today, I went to clean a woman’s fireplace. Turned out she was Spanish and didn’t speak any English. And I forgot my three semesters of basic Spanish “schooling,” (yes, I got As and Bs).

She then grabbed my hand and we proceeded to walk down the street looking for her lost dog.

“Fluffy” (no lie) was nowhere to be found. She finally let me back into her multi-million dollar mansion to clean the fireplace (after communicating I was there for the chimney, Not the television), but not before giving me a coffee candy from Columbia.

I cut the roof of my mouth on its sharp edges as it melted and proceeded to taste the dim leak of blood the rest of the day.

She never found her dog and I never remembered much Spanish. (“You learn Spanish, important!” she stressed). But she gave me a huge chocolate bar from Hersheys that I brought home for my girl.

My job is often interesting.